SPREY Log#07 – Plans for the future

This week saw rather inner growth than visible artistic output, but I’m almost sure, it’s legacy will show in future art. A rare occasion of health problems knocked me out for three days while I lost the others to coping with a steep increase in anxiety. Apparently, The War of Art is affecting me more than movies like Event Horizon, and that one affected me. On the other hand there would be no resistance if there wasn’t some great potential for growth for me in it, right? Something I can’t even completely understand from my current perspective, otherwise it wouldn’t scare me.

I stunned myself writing about the mere concept of “things I should have drawn years ago” last time. I nervously avoided thinking about what that would be for me. Thinking about taking action felt even worse. So after all, does it turn out I’m still avoiding the main thing? My actual, real authentic work that is meant to be created? How can this be? I’m making SPREY and that one fights a lot against me already. I wondered whether I got too comfortable and too slow with it. I wondered whether the scope of the thing is just too big for me. But then I remembered myself that looking for flaws will always be successful, because all and everything is flawed, while working on the thing or improving the quality of said thing actually takes effort. I will not give in to any drift away from SPREY. No matter what happens, I have to keep learning with that comic. It will never realize it’s full potential if I don’t go that road until the end. SPREY lead to a myriad of improvements in my art and artistic process already and is hopefully entering a new era soon where things start to become a little bit more consistent.

Growing as an artist is as uncomfortable as something can get. I thought about my recent improvements in understanding of light and color. It would be a nightmare to try to teach that. I would sound like I was rambling about the soul of a piece while I’m actually talking about a complex interconnected system of art fundamentals that will never work out for you if you don’t put in the mileage and personalize it to you. And then you must do this in tandem with reminding yourself of the theory and the works of people you look up to again and again and again, because you will forget a lot. This naked truth of how things go and it doesn’t sound too enticing. I think it’s actually comparable to creating a comic, writing a novel or other projects. Prepare to write and draw several drafts if necessary. I can see why resistance would tell you nah we’re good, don’t attempt to climb that mountain. Especially if there isn’t any guaranteed reward. And there isn’t.

If I wasn’t working on it already, SPREY would definitely be on my “things I should have drawn years ago” list. I am not on the quality level I want to be with it, but at the same time my idea and understanding of that desired quality level is shifting. And no, it doesn’t go up. When I started I wasn’t even sure whether SPREY should be a webcomic, a print comic kept in bookpages or a pseudo interactive light novel. It showed. Chapter 1 is so raw it’s actually awesome again, chapter 2 showed me my limits and actually broke through them, making chapter 3 possible. Chapter 3, again, is an uncomfortable hybrid that has left behind interactivity, but isn’t fully in a webscroll format because it has too many panels in the same row for that, while it doesn’t fully break out into a “proper” printable page size either. What will prevail for the future? I was surprised how simple that was to answer. Apparently big singular panels that are too close to me make me anxious. I don’t want to be that close. Hello printable book as my future standard format then, not only for comics. It would be nice to know my works are kept in a timeless shareable format. The Instagram square is nice and all, but harder to translate away from social media if Instagram once dies for art like it did. Books and zines don’t die like this. And no, I will not rail against their digital counterparts, those are awesome, too. So, books, ebooks, videogames it is.

SPREY Log #05 – Being the wrong person

The development of the past days made me once again reflect on my webcomic project Street Prey (SPREY). I regularly had urges to give it up, made a longer break due to a mix of burn-out and intense self-doubt in the beginning of this year, but at the same time before and after I put out a surprising amount of panels and pages for these circumstances.

And now I actually have arrived at a point where I have to say and teach something. And no, it’s not about panel composition or something purely technical. I want to talk about the mindset change I am experiencing working on a monstrous project like this. If you want to write a novel, make a really long form webcomic, an artbook or anything else of that sort yourself, maybe this can help you, too.

My creation frustration cycle

Usually it goes like this: I make an honest attempt at doing my best work with my comic, let it run for a couple of weeks where I’m constantly underwhelmed with my output both in quantity and quantity but don’t seem to be able to overcome whatever holds me back. Most of the time I cannot even name or understand what it is. Then I hit a point where everything seems pointless. Analyzing my own and my creation’s various flaws I come to the conclusion that I’m the wrong person to do this comic or a comic like this. Thinking things to their logical conclusion I then decide that I should be sensible and either do something else entirely and never do a comic again, or I should first create and finish a bunch of little things, then be ready for a bigger one later. And then I sleep a night over it, do not agree with it and start a new cycle in which I will again do my best with SPREY.

There is a couple interesting questions rising up from this, but for now let’s look at what happened at the end of the most recent cycle.

What went different this time

So I wrote on this blog that I almost sent SPREY into a hiatus again. I experienced what I described in the creation frustration cycle up to the point where I woke up disagreeing with the hiatus and started working on the next page.

So what changed?

First of all, as you are reading this right now, I have realized that I’m in a looping cycle and I’m not shy to talk about it. Various other creators might be experiencing the same or a comparable cycle right now and not have these words for it. What if they don’t know they are in a loop either, so it would be helpful for everyone to speak up about it.

Secondly, I am convinced I have a chance for a different run of the cycle this time. I did not come to the conclusion that I am the wrong person to do SPREY this time. I am still the wrong person in a sense that my skills and stamina are not up to par with where they should be to get this done in a convincing way. But I have a fair chance of getting there. I would say the past cycle began with the stormy beginning of chapter 3 in May and lasted until the page where we hear Rich’s narrator voice for the first time. A lot has happened since May. I keep working on my skills. I was able to accomplish more than I thought I could do in the field of design and illustration both paid and in personal projects. Also quite some efforts were made to improve the writing and designs in SPREY behind the curtains. So there definitely is hope.

And there is a new idea in my head.

Of course I started making SPREY as the wrong person to do so. But within a year of doing SPREY and doing things around and for SPREY I have grown enough that I am less the wrong person for it than one year ago. And I will continue to grow as a creator. What if SPREY is exactly the right project for me to do so? It entices me to do better. It frustrates me, but it never frustrates me enough to give up. I never get tired of it. I literally think about SPREY every day and it does not get boring. I might eventually have to redraw parts of the comic once I have arrived at a final form of it but this is a small sacrifice compared to giving it up and never realizing all the potential and growth I could have had chasing SPREY until the end. I believe SPREY is worth being told, it’s worth being experienced. I’m paying for learning on a premium project like this one by some moments of passionate creator despair, occasional overwhelm and other strong emotions. But I keep going and I’m getting stronger after every cycle that did not hit me out of making SPREY. Also, this time I do not want out anymore.

I have some more thoughts and ideas but I feel I would do them a disservice to squeeze them into this blog post, too, let’s go through them one by one in the next entries.

Thanks for joining me today. If you are sitting over your novel, script, own comic, videogame or other creative project right now and have hit a roadblock in the middle, know you’re not alone and consider not giving into the urge to quit. Quitting is easier than enduring the ongoing frustration and allowing yourself to change and grow. Quitting is not that worthwhile in comparison.

See you next blogpost!